>>malia: coming up next oninsights on pbs hawaii, discussion with caregiversfor seriously ill loved ones. >>malia: aloha and welcome toinnights on pbs hawai'i. i'm malia mattoch.tonight we're talking with caregivers for seriouslyilled loved ones as we continue our discussion aboutillness and mortality that we began last week.when moderator darryl hofschneider talked withthree guests who will been diagnosed with late stagecancer.
on the panel were kirkmatthews, retiring news anchor who had beenundergoing chemotherapy for young cancer.christa wittmier marketing director who spoke aboutcampaigning western treatments for breast cancerwith natural treatments and daniel gray, nightclub ownerdealing with an aggressive brain cancer.he also believed that using homeopathic treatments withregular medical procedures has helped him.viewer it's called in.
it their aloha and concern forthose guests in particular, it viewers asked what kind ofpersonal support these cancer patients have.tonight, we'll talk with the individuals who are theirprimary caregivers and we welcome another importantvoice to the table, someone who has been a caregiver totwo family members at the same time.we would like to hear from you duringing tonight'sdiscussion. share with us your questionsand comments about tonight's
show.by calling 973-1000, if you're on oahu, or800-238-4847 if you're on a neighbor island.you can also watch insights streamed life atpbshawaii.org. just click on the title oftonight's show, or find us on twitter @pbshawai'i.now, to our guests. for tonight's show.nina pullella met last week's guest christa wittmier in2008 and the two have been close friends ever since.when ms. wittmier was
diagnosed with stage 4 breastcancer last year, ms. pullella took over as hercaregiver, accompanying her to doctor's appointmentsresearching homeopathic treatments an cooking forher. linda coble made history inhawai'i as the first female news anchor on hawai'itelevision news. she also was rotary's firstfemale district govern in hawai'i.ms. coble has been a kssk radio personality, and alsoserved for years ace
full-time communityvolunteer. ms. coble is her husband kirkmatthews' prime april i caregiver.rikka brunner started dating daniel gray after he had beenliving with brain cancer for more than a year.baker by profession also mr. gray's primarycaregiver. she says she had no trainingfor this role and learns day by day.emme tomimbang shared island viewer with viewers for 30years and also covered local
news.ms. tamura was a caregiver for her husband retiredstated appeals judge james burns who was dialingerdiagnosed with stage 4 throat cancer and at the same time,cared for her mother. touring this time, ms. tamurasuffered ruptured aneurysm which she says may have beenassociated with the stress of caregiving.we just referenced see serious incident for healthas a caregiver. can you take us back as theincident that occurred in
your life with your loved onesthat led to that? >> well, in ea back in 2011,i was taking care of my mom who was in the hospital and thenabout six months late, my husband was diagnosed whichstage 4 throat cancer. and so i was toggling betweenthe hospital, one hospital to another.taking care of two different people.and trying to stay on top of things, and be informed andthen about a couple months after all of that, followingyear, 2012, i collapsed at
home.after i set my husband with our driver, had somevolunteered, i collapsed at home.i sent him to radiation and i felt out of the shower.couldn't remember anything. except my dog barking and justbeing very, very upset. then i hung on to him.got me to the phone. called my husband, next thingyou knew, firefighters. i woke up it was a week laterat queen's icu. and so i think it had all towith just toggling too much
and trying to take care ofeverybody. i forgot about me and i thinkthat's what really happens with caregivers becauseyou're trying really hard to keep your loved one alive.and so you just do everything. and you forget about caringfor the caregiver. >>malia: linda, do ea doesthat ring true for you? >> thank you for being here!i mean, what i challenge. it doesn't ring true with mebecause i did not, we aren't at that stage yet where othersand kirk knowing he's got
stage 4, with re hoping thatwe can get through it and be successful, but everything isa question mark now. and that's very nervewracking. i can certainly share when youdon't know first of all, what am i doing? and second ofall, the real outcome and have to keep a stiff upper lip andhappy and it is a challenge. my ulcer erupted coupleruptures, couple years ago. and i still feel it.and i think that you know, everything that you mighthave wrong with you somewhere
on your body comes back tohaunt you when you're concentrating on something24-7. >>malia: what emme referencedin terms, so busy taking care of loved one or loved ones, nomatter how much you remind your self i need to take careof myself, there's only hours in the day.and you cannot get to yourself.are there days like you? >> they all belong to kirk innigh heart. >>malia: of course.what about for you, rikka?
>> find that i feel same wayabout daniel. i try and be as much as i canfocused on what he's going through.on the drive here, i was thinking a little bit how ii'm really tired this week. there's a lot going on and ifeel like being a little busy sometimes honestly.but i'm lucky where we're at in that daniel is extremelysupportive of me. i mean, i don't even know howhe does that. how he manages witheverything that he going
through to still be the bestpartner and just fair and open to hearing about the days thati'm having. so i feel really lucky thatit's not like i'm a lone, just only caring, not going oneway, that's for sure. >>malia: you are caregivingfor a very close friend. did you know instantly whenshe got her diagnosis and you learned of it, that you weregoing to be her caregiver? >> i did.it was a feeling i never really felt for,overpowering.
i felt like there was more icould do but just engulf my life and researching and itwas all that i really want the to do.it just really kind of took over.and i never really questioned it.i just went right into go mode and it really kind of consumedmy life, but it was, it felt really rewarding and i feltreally honored that she would allow me to be that big a partof this very intimate journey.>>malia: when you had both
loved ones, was there ever apoint where you thought, okay, i need to involve otherpeople, i can't be both people's primary caregiver.something has to give. >> my sisters were very muchinvolved with my mom and so we were like taking six hourshifts at the hospital. when my husband wasdiagnosed, my sisters took over more and kind of movedaway. it was tough because when myhusband was sick, i was of course focused then when iwent down, he was immediately
my caregiver and he was stillg tube feeding himself. if you know what that is, whenyour cancer patient, you can't follow, sweet.you have a g tube, which daniel had, right? david,i'm sorry. daniel.okay. so the g tube becomes i themain thing. i remember waking up in icuand the first thing i said was, where is my husband?and who's feeding him? so everybody had to -- emme,don't worry you're in the
hospital.your husband comes every day. we have been helping him.it's a very tough thing to do. >>malia: did you make somechanges after this very serious health crisis inlight of what had happened? in terms of the caregiving forhim and then in your home? >> i started calling myfilipino nurse friends. i had them on speed dial forquestions like, how do i fix my husband's g tube? justuse diet coke. amazing.i'm not sure i can say that
publicly.but it helped. i lost my mom.concentrated on my husband. like you linda, every day isa new day and you have no idea where it's going to go and youcan just respond to the issues.linda and i are both anchor women.we're kind of smart ladies. when it comes to this, likesomeone said, how do you prepare? you can't.because you don't know. what you're going to be infor.
so you don't know how toprepare for it. having people who can give youthat kind of information, like have you got your will?have you done your probate? have you got this paperworkdone? have you checked on your insurance? all of thosethings that when you're a couple, you have to knowabout. and kirk is perfectly in greatshape, he's walking around. he's got energy and stuff.and he's helping me at this point.but we're rushing through it.
and it's so wonderful to haveyour friends, people who are in the business of at thatkind of thing, insurance or you name it, to be able tohelp. with and suggest crown corp orsomething like that, that would be able to have folksthat know what they're doing and help.just to be open and receptive to anything that anyone cansuggest. it's very humbling when yousay, i don't know, and you keep asking.i used to take notes at the
doctor's office and i wouldforget and i would have to call my pharmacists.okay, how do you find liquid versions of this pill? ididn't even know you crush pills to put in your g tube.you can't, you have to like forget and start over and justask. even if it doesn't make sense,i mean, i know i irritated some people, but i was goingto do all i could to keep my husband alive.>>malia: of course. linda you referencedsomething.
really interestinggenerationally. friends would in insurance,had experience with things. for you two, you guys arequite young to be in this kind of caregiving situation.sometimes it's a little overwhelming to find theresources. we older ladies can pick upthe phone and talk to somebody who's maybe been in a careerin a while. is it hard to find theresources or are you able to find them?>> well, personally, i was
really lucky.i live on same property as naturopathic doctor.so he was one of the first people that i talked to aboutactually she was diagnosed, came over for my birth day andi was able to get her in to see him.i diagnosed her on my birthday last year.so almost every day, i would sit down and talk to him aboutask him questions and he was a huge resource for me.dr. jack burke. he was the one who gave thefirst diagnosis.
>> he did?>> yes. before the oncologist.that personally relation she that you were able to connect.>> yes. i would pick up the phone andcall my mom almost every day. her one of her best friendshad breast cancer as well. so you know, i think even knowwe're young, unfortunately, cancer is such a commondisease these days, that it touches much.everyone has an experience. it touches everyone.i was wondering ace read both
of your bios, quite youngdealing with this veer just thing.is it hard to pop back into the peer group, the world, other28, 29-year-olds. is everyone i am patient andthink, do you know what i mean? hard to live thatother life? >> why.i was thinking about it and i don't really feel that i willmiss out on anything. really lucky that there are alot of good days. there's a little bit ofdifficulty in each day
because like christa anddaniel touched on last week and kirk too.you know, you can't really plan because from one momentto the next, one hour to the next, any number of yourtreatments whether they're western medicine onnaturopathic can affect you in a different way.i don't feel like i'm missing out on anything.maybe that's the dynamic of being in a relationship withthe person i'm caregiving for.every moment that i'm with
him, i'm really happy.even if it's a more difficult time, it's just it's an easydecision. there's really no comparison.>> you entered into this relationship knowing aboutthe battle he was fighting? were all of your friends andfamily supportive of your decision to become involvedand become his caregiver? >> they were.and completely. but there were definitelyshocked because obviously, something like cancer, whichi before this knew nothing
about.nothing really except that it's a disease that is youknow, really causing a lot of people some terrible,terrible situations. families, friends, everyone.and their reactions to it, look of shock on their faces,kind of caused me to take a step back and be like, am idoing the right thing? is this wise? but you know, itwas too late. he's my best friend andthere's no way that i'm going to step away from it and i'mso glad that we're both doing
this together because go backto the resources thing, like i said, i knew nothing.and to try and figure out kind of from a cause and effect interms of treatment, what's out there.if you cancer feeding on sugar, or the glucose in yourbody, why are we eating these things and what makes sense?that's why the aloha cancer project is something that i'mso excited that daniel and christa are working on.>>malia: do you ever get a little impatient with sort ofwhat the day to day
distractions can be forsomeone in your age group? or do you find that you canswitch between this quite significant sort of lifeissues and the more light heartedness that a lot ofpeople your age might be living.>> actually as younger people going through this, rick andi don't have children, it was a time for us to put ourconcerns and our interests to the side and to really bewithout having children, you don't really have to do that.it was a great life lesson.
something that i'll take withme, absolutely. made me a stronger person, more maturejust individual. yeah.>>malia: what was going on in your life?>>now you're asking me, old people? myself included.i'm on your side. what was going in your lifewhen this life first changed as a caregiver? did you needto put things to the said professional things, orthings that you were super involved with to take the timeto do this?
>> i think speaking of myself,i didn't have the challenge. i still don't have thechallenges that you've had go through or even you guys.kirk is has just been diagnosed last november andso we've gone through the chemo and everything is newand he reacts to it differently every day.so i don't think i have lost out on anything.and he is the focus and has always been anyway for 32years. happily.>>malia: did you need to put
things to the side?>> yeah. i've had a production companyand i've had my own television shows six time ace year at onepoint, and then i remember i just finished my hawaii 5-othen and now show, and i was up early in the morning,ing towhat i had to do, and then getting my husband's dayready for the g tube and all of that. and then as soon asi turned my script in, the next day, i just collapsed.and so life changed on a dime. so yeah, sure.i kind of missed, but you
don't think about it.all of a sudden, you just forget.your priority is very clear. very clear.so i didn't have to make that much of a change.already working from my home. but you know, and my husbandbeen retired. he's doing actually quite well.he's in a good place right now.we both are. so we value the momentsbecause i laugh and i say, we live from mri to mri.but sort of kind of a
navigating tool to see what'sahead. and we never used to live likethat. right, linda?>> no. >> people have news days andfun and now, it's interesting because i'm watching her andyou know, you start to feel like, can i do anything? ihave this great recipe for smoothies, but it is.it's happening to a lot of people.every time you turn around, listening to the young ladieshere, i think, you they, is it
better to have it when we'rethis older. >> yes.>> i totally think about that all the time.because i'm like, we're so young.it's true. >> you have a heart and youhave love and you have care. and that is what a caregivergives. and you don't have to -- idon't know anything about cancer either.i didn't going in and i still don't.she has to tell me how to make
a smoothy.and i don't even know how to use the blender.so you know. it doesn't matter.it's coming from here. >> all reminds me of if i feelanything, it's not that i'm missing out.it's i almost feel sorry for people that don't have anevent or a reality like this to remind them what trulymatters and what you really do need to be thankful for,because all the little things become the biggest thingswhen you're faced with
something like this everysingle day. and daniel mentioned themango trees blooming early this year.he said that last week. it's so true.those really do become the joys and if anything, i almostfeel sorry for not looking down on anyone, butreferencing our peer group. i don't really care aboutgoing out and doing a bunch of things.i almost feel sorry that that the same perspective can't beshared and it really is hard,
but it takes circumstanceslike this to bring that to our attention.but man, i know that no matter what happens in my life isnever going to be the same. i'm never going to view thingsdifferently. i will always, alwaysappreciate and i feel really lucky to have experienced.i feel grateful to daniel for that.i learned that instantly from being around him.and how he faces each day with this.i feel lucky honestly.
>>malia: daniel sent us aquestion from the pbs lounge. what was the most difficultpart of caring for the patient day to day? let's start withyou. >> i think it was watchingchrista be uncomfortable. watching her not be able to dothe things that made her happy.you know, djing, she was tired, weak, her immunesystem was down. she had to stay home and becareful about the people that came over.her risk of being around
somebody that may be ill, forthem, it's a cold. for her, it's a trim to thehospital. so yeah, i think it waswatching her have to make those lifestyle changes.>>malia: what did you find helped on days like that? doyou feel were really hard? >> i would try to bringnormalcy. we would go to her house andtry to have times that i would be like, okay, no cancer talktime. let's just be normal.or i would take her to my house
in waimanalo for the weekendand we would just draw the shades and pretend like itwasn't a beautiful sunny day outside.with chemo, you're sensitive to the sun.you can just go jump in the ocean.so she couldn't. we would pretend of like itwas raining out i'd side and watch movies all weekend.you have a sleep overpart with your best friend.some of of the times that i think i'll cherish the mostwas our little time away
because she's so busy and i'mso busy. how often do you get this timewith these people, right? >> bonding.>> yes. ultimate bonding time.it was a blessing. >>malia: what was the hardestthing for you? >> kind of two parts when ithink about it. the first thing is it's reallydifficult to watch daniel struggle with being anextremely hard working and ambitious and because ofthose two things, busy man.
and trying so hard to maintainthis sense and routine of normalcy, how many doctorsappointments a week, how many horrible symptoms, whetherit's in the middle of the night, can't breathe, can'tthrough thinks nose because of the radiation burns thatare probably not going anywhere.waking up every morning with a completely dry inside, it'sjust -- and on top of that, to have, unfortunately, not tobe negative or anything, but to have people look at himwhen they see him out when he
is briefly, like higher endmuch energy and being able to complete these tasks.he is out,ing to things, still own the bar.works very hard for that. tries to surf.to have people question on top of that if he's actually beingthrough it, and to have those things come back to me throughour peer group. social media.pretty instantaneous. to catch wind of people thathave something to say, thinking that it's notactually real, that's been
just, it just kind of blows mymine. i don't know what it will takeand it doesn't mean that we need to air everything outthere, but i will say that it's a decision for all ofthese people, for anyone fighting anything, it's adecision every morning to wake up and have a goodattitude for five minutes. that's a huge victory.have a good attitude from the beginning of the morning andmaybe you have to rest, then go about your day.that's a decision.
i watch him make it everysingle day because every day to the next is completelyunpredictable in terms of the level of pain.it's not when there will be pain.it's how much pain are you going to experience today.just to watch people push through that is, yeah.hard. >>malia: on the days whensomeone says something that's off key or just a very lowenergy day, what do you find that helps?>> you know, like i said,
daniel is really ambitiousguy and he has a lot going on at our home, we like to workin the garden, woodworking projects.higher end energy day. staying in.but reading, i just try and encourage him to do what'sbest for him. so that those times that hecan take care of business, i mean, ultimately, danieldoesn't care what anyone says.neither do i. it doesn't affect how we getthrough.
>>malia: great lesson to takeaway. >> yes.>>malia: absolutely. linda, what would you say hasbeen the hardest thing? >> well, i certainly watchinghim go like this sometimes, that doesn't happen thatdoesn't happen that often. we're very fortunate.how are you feeling? fine. i didn't mean be on your back.we try to make fun of things. smile.laugh. embrace the friends who calland how are you doing? it
means a lot.it brings people up. so you feel tempted to maybeshare with your friends who are going through thesechallenges, i'll do anything, then what? bring me oversome vino. otherwise, i'll never callthem. i wouldn't know how to ask foranything. make fun of it and to keep -- iwas there when he had his head shaved for the first time.it was so fun. and took picture and thosewere great.
and i got to trim it.just make every second count. and enjoy it.find the humor in anything because laughter is healthy.it really is. for me too.>> i think there were two parts.other was being tube fed. to see this very strong guy,sitting in his chair all day long, it just broke my heart.and then when he couldn't golf, because he's a golferand that's his life, and that really broke my heart again.and then when he through
swallow therapy.because he had to start learning how to eat.and the first thing he did was have apple sauce.like having a child again. and then when i got sick, youknow, i mean, i sometimes think i'm still taking care ofhim, but he had to take care of me.and i was on medication. sometimes trying to figureout what to do and you just -- it was one of thehardest things i think i've ever had to do is to be in thatposition.
we were toggling.it was also frustrating. we would argue because he'sstill my husband. i'm still his wife.but now, i'm this, take charge filipino nurse and he wouldtell me too, get off my back. so you know, now, at a placewhere i'm trying to get date nights again, trying to havehim remember that we're in a good place.i am your wife. let's do something romantic.and i think that's a lot of couples forget do becauseyou've had one role for so
long.and that's why, that thing sickness and in health,remember that in health part too.that's what you have to almost the mantra.we have this moment, let's enjoy it because it could begone forever in a heart beat. >> i see lots of nods.>> definitely. we've been dating less than ayear. and as soon as we startedtalking, i knew that there was a great bond there.and then we started hanging
out and we've been pretty muchinseparable since. i went wondered cancer willobviously put things under a certain scope.very quickly. and i wondered, are we losingthe mystery too soon. any way around this.at the end of the day, the bond that is created by goingthrough this with someone on the daily and through thenight too, it's all the time, that is something even for afriend, for a close friend, that bond between caretakerand caregiver, and patient, i
suppose, even though i don'trefer to he or myself that way, it's something veryspecial. >> unbreakable.from bob in waikiki, you all seem like independent women.what was it like to ask for help? linda you referencedpeople saying, what can i do? but nebulous.>> it is very difficult to ask for help.when you don't actually, we aren't in the position thatyou all have been in or in. it hasn't gotten that sad,desperate, day to day worry.
but down the line, you don'tknow. and so that's kind of an inbetween period where it's difficult to say, okay, canyou do this? can you do that? let's get together as one ofthe best ways to do it. come on over.let's have some food. i'll bring it.okay. that's the way.make it fun. and not cumbersome.but it's very difficult when you're kind of half-half, notreal serious at this point.
but getting there.to know what to ask and to make hey.i don't want to ask for the wrong thing.i want everything to be for him and not me.got to get over will. because i understand it'simportant for the caregiver to get some time off.>>malia: i think that's always -->> i talk to some of our news colleagues.they always say, how did you get that aneurysm? i don'tknow.
i have a new definition fordeadlines. >> we've all been in thatfield for decades. and it does raise your bloodpressure and make you stress. that's all doing things toyour body. it's going to do something toyour brain ultimately. so you have to be humbled, askfor help, and i think friends, sometimes they don't knowwhat to do, right. >> and a friend of mine said,asked for something specific. ask for dinner.let's go to a movie.
bring so-and-so over to watchkirk and let's go to a movie or let's go golf.kirk can still golf. we've got golf dates going allthe time. i'm have to have my husbandtake him up. win-win.>>malia: for you, did you find you needed to ask for help onbehalf christa or for yourself?>> we had kind of a team going. so we had a, there was a couplepeople that christa brought in and we had a group text.if i couldn't be there, i
would text one of the othersto say, like, hey, i just left christa.she lived alone. so hey, i just left christa.maybe you want to check on her tonight.or yeah, we would kind of flop around in between our group ofwho's taking her. she actually used this appcalled sign-up in genius. it was really helpful.so she didn't have to be constantly asking.we know people said, how can i help? granted she kind ofwanted to keep more intimate
group there.when you're visiting doctors it's important that you havea relationship with the doctor and you understandwhat was said the last time and what's said this time andkind of understand the verbiage the vocab.but there was a small group of us that would go.so we would use the sign-up genius.you could just like and say go, okay.great. tuesday, i can make this andthen just plug it in.
because it's a lot.for the patient, it's person who's ill to have to bejuggling all of this and constantly asking.i think some of my advice i would give to people, maybe ifyou're not the primary caretaker so many smallthings that you can do. she had a friend who wouldcome over every sunday with her son, her little adorable3-year-old son, and christa looked forward to that somuch. so very didn't have thefreedom that i had in her
scheduling.having a child and husband and so that once thing that shecould do and she would bring organic soup with her.something christa looked forward to every week.if you're not the primary caregiver, there's so manylittle things. do laundry.for christa, she really didn't want to have to ask.she just really valued the people who just took chargeand said, i'm bringing you dinner.what's a good day to do it?
i'm doing your laundry today.>>malia: when people say people say let me know if icould do -- better thing to do is i would like to do.>> let's do it together. >>malia: something specificso it's not the caregiver or patient's onus isn't on themto come up and ask for it. >> when jim started to eat,good friends finally asked us, let's go out to dinner.that's a hard thing too because you have to know themenu. for my husband and i do startfeeling normal again.
after you go through thehardship, just try to normalize your life.because this is a new normal. whatever you're doing,whatever you two are doing, whatever we did was the newnormal. if you find ways with yourfriends to do the things you used to make it as normal aspossible, it helps. makes you feel powerful likeyou're getting well. >> not everybody's family isin town. someone told me, you guys gotto go on skype and communicate
and let your mom see how youlook. kirk.that really make sense. now i have to worry about howto get that going. >> ask for help.>> and the girls call, kirk's two daughters on the mainlandcall conference calls. engaging the family too.even though we're part from the family, you've got to keepthem involved. no matter what.>>malia: can i get overwhelming just to keepeveryone in the loop.
do you send out mass e-mails?is that something you need to schedule in your caregiving?>> in my particular case, i have a box full ofphotographies from kirk's fundraiser and thank younotes and good wishes notes. you name it.can bag of them. waitedding until he finds outhow his cat scan went after monday to start responding.otherwise, it's just little groups and e-mail which isjust uji. but it's the only way you canget that information out
quick.that's always good news. you know, i don't know howmuch i will enjoy doing that if it's ever bad news.>>malia: how did you manage that part?>> my husband is very private. so it was tough to even talkabout it when it first happened.you have to preserve your feelings for whether you wantto share good things or the bad things.but for our close friends, i did have a people that madestring of calls like, all of
his judiciary family, andthen all of my family. i called them my filipinomafia. and so then they would sort ofshare. we do now a newsletter atchristmas. i have done the last 3 years.give everybody an update because for the people who saywhen they need it, times or whatever, we've been prayingfor you. it's so good to see you.how are you? how is your husband? because being,being the public people we
are, people all know about youand kirk and they want to know the follow-up.so you know, i found little e-mails and newsletter, justto close friends, and of course, facebook.i don't do that. yeah.close friends. >>malia: is communicationunone of the things that you handle for christa? do youguys need to let people know how things are going or doesthat happen more organically? >> daniel takes care of that.he has his own.
he's more than happy to letpeople know how he's doing. like touched on social media.facebook. i don't need to do that for himall the. in terms of reaching outasking for help, that definitely got covered lastweek too and now, it's not something that everyone wantsto do. but in terms of progress, imean, yeah, he's fully capable of communicatingthat. >>malia: for christa, she is,she is like the social media
queen.she has been using snapchat. i don't know if you guys areware of this app. another app.what did you call it? snapchat.(laughter) >> another one.another one. >> i didn't actually havesnapchat before christa got sick.when i found out that that's kind of how she was do thedocumenting her day to day, i got it to follow up if i wasn'twith her to see what she was
up to.she had a lot of people following her story viasnapchat. i think a lot of people didn'treally have to reach out to ask.but when she did, start chemo, she gave my information to hersister and one of her best friends growing up becauseshe didn't know how she would feel.she said, in case i'm really out, and i'm not answeringyou, you can get in touch with nina that way.like i said before, we had our
very intimate group texttogether. so we would check in if we knewthat christa wasn't having a good day, we would make sureeveryone in the group kind of knew it.>>malia: this is from anonymous.i was a caregiver for 7 years and had days when i wascompletely overwhelmed. do these ladies ever have dayswhere they feel like this? >> yeah.i did. there was a time when i saidi can't do this, god.
how do i do this? i'mtoggling. it was scary.because you ultimately know that whatever happens to yourpatient, this being my husband, it's you.and if you can't get through it, then you're going to haveto live with it. so i remember but i rememberi would always, once i got him set up with his tube feeding,i always took a break and went out to a little snack shop andjust breathed and recall exhaled and sometimes i wentand did a manicure, pedicure.
i got a lot of massages and ifound that really worked. because the stress also cancloud up your decision-making process.and i found i needed to exhale.then i had my pets. my dog.and he was always there for me.yes. when it's tough, you have tofind ways to kind of unclog yourself.>>malia: this fits with the in example question.who-shall with the next
question.would the panel discuss the caregiver's caregiver.who do they mentioned for support.you mentioned beloved pets and going for massages.you were saying that things haven't been terribly grave.haven't needed that. where would you turn to if youneeded it >> every tuesday, i go to myrotary club meeting at the royal hawaiian hotel.think about rotary. ohana for a lifetime.couple of hundred people who
are asking sincerely how kirkis. and it givings me a chance tobe proud and say, he's doing great.and that is a relief. that is a beautiful thing tobe able to respond to. friends, who through thickand thin, have always been there and will always bethere. the people who check out atsafeway, every time i, how's kirk? how is he? where ishe? give him our love. that kind of thing.and i know gets that when he
walks down the street tolong's. it's okay.i'm not at the point where i have fallen apart yet.and i've cried a few times, but not only twice.i'm i think it's the buoying of friendships that reallyhave made, that's made a difference.my sister lives right down the street.if i need her. so very fortunate.>> i think it was -- i felt like i was super woman and ifelt like i could do it and i
want to share to each of youthat you don't really know how hard it is.you may not be feeling it and then all of a sudden,something breaks down. that's what happened to me.i didn't think, i didn't think anything was wrong.and when i finally went down, they said, your bloodpressure, blah, blah, blah. i have two coils in my brainthat's had to stop the bleeding.i couldn't believe it. because you don't feelanything because you're so
wrapped up in trying to makethis work for the person that you love.so i would just say, always do a health check.no matter how good you're feeling.take your blood pressure, drink lots of water, get a lotof sleep. and just organize your daybecause if you don't, you'll get caught up and swallowed uplike i did. >> good advice.>> sometimes we're out and see somebody they're facingsomething in their life.
not sure.is this the time to bring it up? how do i broach this?you're saying everyone expressing that concern, nomatter when and where, it's the right thing.>> yeah. lifts up when you're down.that is really, take a chance. asking someone how's kirk orhow's emme or whatever. but i would rather have themask than walk by and go, and what?>> have you guys found that you need to turn to someonefor a bit of care orbit of
pampering or have you notneeded that? >> they don't need it.look at them! >> for me, it was my surfbuddies and my friends, 3 days a week and hike koko head.checking in, doing the things that i really love doing,being outside, exercising being in the ocean.i would find, i have there break.at the end, that was fun. i wonder what christa iseating or i wonder what she's doing.then i would, kind of miss her
and it's like, what a motherfeels like when they go out on date night.i want to go home and be with our kids.>> what about you? >> yeah.i feel the same way. once you, so funny.that's exactly how i would put it.once you kind of get out of that role, you're waiting toget back into it in some ways. for me, i have a really strongsupport. my family, my co-workers aremy best friends.
and my family out here.my family is on the mainland, of course.but it's strange but between daniel and i, he, i really dofeel like he supports me just as much as i support him.really lucky in that. >> that's the truth.we both have, all have strong relationships and i thinkthat's, i would say, you need to be around people that fuelyour energy, not drain you. an as you get into theseplaces, you can really feel who's draining and who'sfueling.
so it's just getting thatpositive energy around you. and praying.that was one of the questions. has faith played a part inyour role as a caregiver? >> yes.only because -- i've always gone to church, but there weretimes when i just kind of fell on my knees and i just feltlike, okay, i can't do this. i need to pray.and i know this is going to sound silly but i taught anynew rescues how to pray. ever meal, we talk about, kirkand we pray for linda because
this is important as thepatient as the caregiver, but i have been, i feel a littlemore connected spiritually now, because i realized evenmy doctor, my neurologist said god is looking after you.this is my neurologist. he said i can only do what ido but the rest in god's hands.i think there is a higher order however you worship.but i do go to that a lot more these days.>>malia: something i thought about as i was thinking abouttonight's show was that as a
mother of boys, off he enbetalking with other parent thes.the ones who have girls u know, with when we're old, youalways have your daughters. and then boys usual got tohelp hope for a good daughter-in-law.kind of funny that our culture has it changed so much, womenhave come so far professionally, talkingabout the early days. i think there is still alittle bit of a stereotype that a caregiver often is awoman.
it's often the daughter.it's often. do you think it's somethingthat our society needs to take a bit of a thought on about interms of men stepping into that role as well?obviously, you guys have wonderful relationshipswhere you absolutely know that your husband has been andwill be there for you. generally, i mean, it seemslike the vast majority of caregivers end up be beingwomen. that something that we shouldbroaden that role a little bit
more?>> are you talking about caregivers as a profession?>>malia: talking i think physically more in a familysituation. i know gentleman from waipahuwho had he worked for a bank and he had to quit to take careof his father in waipahu. and his story was amazingbecause yes, he's not a woman, but he did everything that awoman would did and it was never gender.yes, i do see more women stepping up.i don't know if it's a
cultural thing.obviously not. but women tend to be the moreperson to step up, i think, before the men.my husband was my caregiver. so i mean, he did good job.it happens. >> when my ulcer blew up, kirkwas there. >>malia: what with in term ofthe financial element of this? in addition toworrying about health and sort of having a positive day,you come to this time where you've got to worry about whatinsurance covers, has a lot of
your time been caught up ingetting on the phone and figuring out that part ofthis? >> we're in the midst of that.and fortunately, we've always had good insurance.medicaid. medicare, rather.and we're exploring options in other ways.having the support from the fund raiser was amazing.and took a giant weight off my shoulder here.and that's there. we can use that when we need.we haven't even gotten a bill
yet.i don't know, man. no idea what to expect.>>malia: and how it's going to work.>> really scary. i would recommend to anyonewatching is facing this and maybe some day, to be sure andhave your ducks in a row. and know what's in the bankand know what's in the insurance policy and knowwhat you're going to do in the next step.calms you down. and it helps you get through.>>malia: it's expensive to
live.especially when you're faced with these life threateningillnesses. you're young and i reallyappreciate what you have do and but for us, like a family,didn't want to admit this, but you know, i got my medicarecard, and you know, things become not limited but you'reon a fixed income and you have to decide what's important.i don't know. linda, i was glad thecommunity came out for kirk's fundraiser and natural was awonderful show of support for
him and for you.i don't know. i don't think i'll have afundraiser, but if he see me out there ringing with thebell, seriously, with it is an important thing you have tothink about. and it takes maybe dealingwith your account executive and get help.>> don't think you can do it by yourself.there are ways to get things less, lower price.there's agencies that can help you figure that out.>>malia: for you're loved
one, was figuring out theinsurance element or how the billing was going to work?was that a big part of both of your responsibilities aswell? >> sorry.>> go ahead. >> me personally, no.christa's sister is just finishishing up medicalschool to be a pharmacist. she was really able to step inbecause she doesn't live here.it was something that she could do to help and still beinvolved.
>> she took that on.>> yes. she was able to organizewebsite. i don't know which one it was.but for donations. >> go fund me?>> yeah. one of those.and she's christa is an event planner.she was like the perfect person to plan her own event.>> with help of others >> christa kind of took thereins on that. >> daniel had everythinglined up well before i came
into the picture.ment multiple fundraiseers. i mean, i have to say that icame in right around three of chemo was starting.we're on 4 now since i've known him>> he has done his second gamma knife surgery.a lot has happened before i entered the picture.but like you said last week, he was obama care, one person,tons of people that benefit the from it.whether you agree with anything going on in the whitehouse or not, he definitely
benefited from that andcontinues to benefit from that.>>malia: same with medicare. >> it really comes throughwhen you need that help. i think we have about 3 or 4minutes left. i mean, start with you.what will do you wish you had known at the beginning of thisjourney that you know now?. that's a loaded question.takes time to think. >> offer for linda to gofirst. >> do you want to?>> question again?
>> what do you know now thatyou wish you had known at the beginning? what did you needto learn through the process? >> that is a very difficultquestion because it's all parts of caregiving.i think if i were to do it over again, i would have takenbetter care of me. i know that sounds kind ofself serving, but because i honestly, it would have beenworse if something happened to me than no one was here formy husband. so i would say if i could havedone it over again, i would
have just been so much moreaware that i'm not super woman.forget television. you know, take care of what'sright in front of you. you said something powerfulbefore the show to me, which is you had done a millionstories on all of these elements of what you've nowencountered but it's different when you're life.when you're on the other side of it, everything goes out thedoor. we've been ea done stories oncancer patients, when you're
sitting there faced with tit's a whole different thing. so yeah.>> for you? >> i mean, obviously, you'rerelatively new in this experience.what do you already know that perhaps you didn't knowbefore it started? i found the right person in mylife. luckiest person in the worldto have found kirk because i don't know if i could handlesomeone who was not a good patient.and someone who doesn't
didn't love me like he does.i'm really glad that i already knew that and i think otherthings i'll discover down the line.and the person who he is, humor and account gentlenessand everything else. >> i mean, energy that i'veseen with you all, with your friends and loved one, it'swonderful. >> i wish i had known just ina short time i have been involved, i wish i had knownhow much hope there actually is.because you know, christa has
been saying this, daniel hasbeen saying this. cancer is not a deathsentence. there's hope.my faith is hundred% lies in him, in anyone to overcomethis, just sometimes it takes a little bit of reaching out.sometimes you are extremely lucky to have someone caringfor you, but ultimately, i wish i had known that there issuch power to be had in believing in the person thatyou're caring for and that ultimately believing inyourself because you play a
huge role in that.there will is so much hope to be had.>>malia: i see lots of nods. that rings true.nina? >> so i guess i wish, or iguess i just didn't realize how much of a blessing that itreally would be for everyone on all counts.for christa, we're making a film about it.we're making a documentary film about her journey.it was really powerful. people can learn from that.>> absolutely.
absolutely.that's exactly what i got out of it, how important it isjust to help other peep. and just how much joy that youcan get out of that. it's completely changed mywhole outlook. my priorities have changethe. >>daryl: we're out of time.you guys are inspiring. thank you so much for joiningus. wonderful conversation.next week, thursday night on insights on pbs hawai'i.representatives of local
political parties andindependent pundit will discuss pbs news hour'sdemocratic presidential debate airs live earlier thatdid i at 4:00 p.m. our guests will offercommentary on the candidates perspectives and talk aboutthe importance issues that could impact hawai'i.that's next time on insights on pbs hawaii.malia mattoch. a hui ho
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