[music playing] theme song: handicaps. handicaps. it's your time to shine. don't get left behind. let me take you there. let me push your chair. hey there! how are you?
-hi.-how have you been? good! how was your trip? wonderful. it was long, butit was wonderful. [cat meows]-oh. cali! oh my god! you're so cute!
take this. and this. oh my god, cali! my name is warren piece. and a lot of people thinkthat's spelled p-e-a-c-e. but it's actuallyspelled p-i-e-c-e, as in a piece of something. and i also get, gee, thatsounds like the tolstoyev novel. did you make that up?
and i'm like, no. i knew him way beforehe was warren piece. in fact, i knew himwhen he was jean cocoa. oh cutie! you're so cute inyour little hoodie! you like it? and i told him, if youwant to be a headliner, you gotta dye yourhair blonde, get the mole off your fuckingface, and cap your teeth.
and i think my namereally suits me, because there iswar in everyone, but there's also inner peace. and if we can learn to harnessthat, anything is possible. for example, my wildlysuccessful career. [inaudible] [cat screeches] ah! ah! [inaudible] oh my god!
oh! uh. well, there's a new additionto the warren piece circle of love, and his name is cali. cali is what they calla deli cat-- basically a cat that lives out itswhole life inside of a deli catching mice. but when a deli catgets to a certain age, can't catch mice anymore.
so i started thecitywide program here in new york called"adopt a deli cat," so wonderful catscan have homes. aren't you happy? you're happy. so many peoplespend all their time, concentrate on the nasty,dirty, stinky things in life. i mean, i call them"bad news bears." you gotta be positive.
you gotta think positive. and you know what? guess what, positive thingsare going to happen for you. i'm living proof. at least he did his hair. but it took thefuck long enough. warren: well, i guessi am a celebrity. but you know, it's not just me. it's my production crew.
they are absolutely marvelous. laura is a gem. i have known her for years. i'd to see all the headshots. can you pass them up please? chris? this headshot isa piece of crap. i'm a casting director. these fresh-facedkids come in and think
they're going to justget picked out of a crowd and made into a star. i mean, that wasthe case with me because i'mexceptionally talented. she was doing film, tv,and personal appearances. i'd made her a star,and she gave it all up. for what? can you tell me? for fucking malimars!
i'm not impressedwith this headshot. it's a piece of crap. it's shit. you're wasting yourtime, and mine. roseanne, little bitof a confusion here. in this headshot,you have long hair. you look like a man now. get a new headshot,and perhaps get a wig. where did you getthis headshot taken?
sam johnson. is this a joke? because it's nota very funny one. i don't put on any gloves,because nobody did with me. i was in line to bethe next julia roberts, and it didn't happen. but she never wantedto get her teeth capped. the fucking whore. laura: every one of youhad a crappy headshot.
they were all shit. shit, shit, shit, shit. but guess what, you're in luck. for a mere $600, you canget these done right. call up bernie and tell himthat laura wilcox sent you. i get paid to dothese workshops. but at the end of the day, thesekids get a dose of reality, and, uh, it makes me feel good. david is ourpillar of strength.
i like to compare him to atlas. he's the big daddy holding thewhole weight of the production on his shoulders. i have an extensivebackground in corrections. aside from mymilitary experience, i worked in one of thecountry's larger penitentiaries. he's the coach, andi'm the cheerleader. david: overseeing prisonerescort, visitor screening, surveillance, and somerehabilitative counseling,
so i'm no strangerto discipline. warren: laura and davidwere the first people i called when i gotback to new york, because i had to tellthem that tomorrow we're going to be pitchingmy new idea to cnt network. but this won't be the firsttime we work with cnt. we actually single-handedlyfounded reality wednesdays. the first show wascalled "prospectors." and you see, i wasthinking one day,
like, what is theworld's worst job? and then it hit me. put 12 contestantsunderground for 12 weeks, and make them dig for gold! we couldn't,obviously, have camera operators in all the tunnels. so we soldered a titanium rodon the back of a miner's helmet, and then we found thesewireless spy cameras with night vision, which we attached.
the problem was the helmetswere now too top heavy, so we affixed a lead meshto the back perimeter. it looked like a japanesesamurai helmet, or [japanese]. they were really heavy. but in my experience,there are very few things a person won't wear for a shotat $500,000 in gold bullion. warren: second grand slam. i was in sedona, arizonaon a soul journey. and you see, in sedona,there are these energies,
and they're called vortexes. now, i don't exactlyknow what a vortex is, but i know thatit's a good thing. so i was on a foothill,hiking, praying. i looked up to the hillside,and i saw a silhouette. and that was the first timei made contact with him. mahican, the great red wolf. i've done a lot ofresearch on the subject, and to the best ofmy knowledge, there
are no red wolves in sedona. in fact, they're extinct. the show was called"leader of the pack." tribal beats, didgeridoo. 12 contestants must survive for12 weeks in a pack of wolves. basically, they weredoing it doggy style. josh: all the contestantswere shot from afar, and they had no ideathey were being filmed until we would bringthem into our tent
circle for confessionals. one of my favorite momentswas when amber, the slut type, hooked up with wapo, thebiggest wolf in the pack. we got some great footage. but unfortunately, oursponsors weren't so keen on the bestiality angle. so we had to make it looklike they were "just friends." when i watch tv, iwant to be engaged, and i want to be informed.
i want to be rivetedto every second because i truly have no ideaof what's going to happen next. that is why i am so stokedabout this new project. magic. richie goldman, greatto meet you guys. great to meet you. hey, all right. warren: today's theday that i sell it. it's all about grabbingtheir interest.
warren said he'dbe here by 10:00. i wonder where he is. so it's important thati make a big splash. [phone rings] oh. that's probably him. hola. warren (on phone):hey everybody. it's warren.
warren, it's greatto hear from you, bro. warren (on phone):shut the fuck up! reality tv-- where have we been? where are we going? what is to be done? we've seen it all, fromsingers to bachelors, from average joesto supermodels. so i guess thequestion is, (singing) where do we go from here?
have we stretchedsubject matter so thin that there's only ag-string left almost fully consumed by themassive butt cheeks of america's waning interest. is reality tv over? well, not while warrenpiece is alive and kicking! david: what the fuck? warren: the contestantsare all deformed, deranged, psychotic, retarded,paraplegic, quadriplegic,
wheelchair-ridden. and they live together,under the same roof, and battle it out in frontof a panel of three judges to win the most amazingprize of a lifetime. ladies and gentlemen, ipresent to you my most electrifying idea to date. behold, "handicaps." [applause] warren: richiegoldman is new to cnt,
and he was picked because he'ship, he's hot, he's fresh, he's happening-- he'severything we need. "handicaps" is whatamerica needs right now. the way i see it is we'vegot people sitting at home feeling sorry for themselves. woe is me, my job is whack. woe is me, i-- i got nobling bling in my earring. i've got no ice. just because you're missinga limb or in a wheelchair
or deformed doesn't give youthe right to just walk or roll into an audition unprepared. they're going toturn on this show and they're going to seethese people, actual freaks, making it happen. you think fdr was begging forsympathy because of his polio? no! he hid his handicap. this is the kind of attitudethat our country was built on.
get up off your broke ass,roll out of your busted crib, and make something ofyourself, and get in line with the american dream thing. make some cheese. ms. wilcox? please call me laura. you're making mefeel like an old bag. ok, laura. i just wanted to tell youi love all of your work.
"ms. hazelton" was oneof my favorite films, and the reality stuff isamazing-- "leader of the pack," "dead on wednesday." have a seat. what's your name? natalie. laura (voiceover): i love itwhen i can be a positive role model to these young girls. the world needsmore strong females,
females like nancy reagan,margaret thatcher, janet reno. natalie! yes laura? i'm in here! what happened? shut up. what's the matter? what-- what are you doing? shut the fuck up!
get in!natalie: no! laura: get in!-no! no---get in! i don't want to go in! look at me. look at my face. do i look like some kindof fat clown you can just fuck in the ass at will? no, ms. laura.
i want you to taste this. i want you to tastethis you bitch! laura. -it's not skim!-laura! it's not---laura! skim! it's-- laura! - --not skim!-come on.
skim milk! it's not skim milk! skim milk [inaudible]. skim milk!-stop it! stop it! milk! it's tough love, but they've gotto see the way the world works. they've got toswallow the big pills. are you ok?
i'm calm. you're sure? ah, jesus! we all learnthrough experience. i'm so sorry laura. here's your coffee. she's new here. but it makes mefeel good to share some knowledge when i can.
i always keep some ofthis in my bag in case i burn my hand on some lightingequipment or something. that fucking cunt! i hate that stupid bitch! yeah, she's pretty intenseabout the diet thing. oh yeah, but now she's fuckingstuffing her face with donuts. i mean, who does that? who attacks someoneover skim milk? some vegans do.
[clapping] i hate to breakup the party, kids, but laura needs us torun a search on the show title "handicaps," there'sa maintenance problem in the men'srestroom, and someone has to make a drug store run. warren needs baby food,apple sweet potato. last time someone gothim peas and carrots, and he was not a happy camper!
my name is ken, and this is mythird warren piece production. i'm the line producer,so i'm basically involved in the physicalaspects of making a tv program. three skim lattes,double quick! i'm the hands-on person onbehalf of the management. i put creative ideas in motion. did i not say latte? dumb ass. well i'm in charge ofthe crew and overseeing
the day-to-day operationsof the production. well chop chop! let's get going! douche. having a good rapportwith the pas is essential. and quite frankly, itcomes naturally to me. what a wanker. well, we're in thepre-production phase, so i'm only in charge of twooffice pas, josh and natalie.
well, i moved to new york aboutthree months ago from london, and i'm trying tomake it in the movies. well, my main function as apa is getting shit on 24/7. i was doing a lot ofextra and background work, but someone told me icould get played out doing too much of that stuff. so that's when i started workingbehind the scenes on this show. occasionally, ilift heavy objects. came to new yorkabout seven years ago.
i initially went topratt for design. i enjoyed carpentry, youknow, working with my hands. but, uh, woodworkingwasn't paying the bills. so then, about fouryears ago, i started writing about mywoodworking experiences, and i actually cameup with an idea for a movie-- "woodworkers." well, to be honest,the pay's really crap. but i have met a fewpeople, except most of them
just want to shag. i've really never met anyoneon a set who was worth a crap. i told a lot of people aboutthe "woodworkers" concept, but i think they're just toomoronic to understand it. so recently, i justsaid, fuck "woodworkers." i just feel that itincreases my exposure for now. i mean, you never know. i might just get spottedby the next big director and land myself a huge part.
i just try and keep the faith. well i might startwriting again. i-- i just had a thoughtthe other day-- "craftsman." i love this job. it gives me everything ineed, and i get to work with the most amazing people. i mean, warren is like a god. the talent, theforesight, the looks, i'm just here to takeit all in and hope
that some of thatstardust comes off on me. ok. let's start at the beginning. the name. "handicaps"? you thought ofthat as the name? yes. i saw that as the name. warren is temperamental,to say the least.
do you think thatmaybe some people might find the word "handicap"to have a negative connotation? i think richiemight have a point. if i were in awheelchair, or a veteran-- david, i don'tthink veterans are our target audience right now. i just think it's mean. "handicap" is a pc term. i mean, it's not likewe're calling the show
"retards" or something. he's getting all hot underthe collar about veterans. i mean, who caresabout veterans? "ready, willing, disabled." hate it! "down with the downs." "home with the downs." now you see, thatgets the alliteration. that makes it work.
shit. total. "special people"or "special folks." i guess that'ssort of positive. laura: in a patronizing, there'ssomething wrong with you, naacp kind of way! hold up. now, i don't like wherethis is going at all. you know, i respecthis creative ideas.
but my number one job isto protect the network. can we just agreeon "handicaps," unless someone comesup with something brilliant withinthe next 30 seconds? because i've got alarge, no whip, skim, white mocha downstairs withwarren written all over it. "freaking out." ok. "handicaps" it is. warren: these battlesare hard fought.
what can i say? the weak shall fall, andthe strong stand tall. warren's last show, "dead onwednesday," cost cnt millions. i cannot allow forthat to happen again. if we water this showdown, it's going to be crap. and warren piecedoesn't do crap. ok, concept. [tone] hello?
mayday. wake up call. yeah, warren? listen, i need you togo down to the drugstore and pick up some thickmagic markers, double quick. ok? sure. and while you're downthere, please pick up three grande skim nowhip white mochas.
you want one? sure.why not. make that four grandeskim no whip white mochas. i want whip on mine. make it one with whip. do you read me? [farts] loud and clear. hey, natalie?
yeah, josh? you want to get fourgrande white skim mochas, one with whip, the restwithout, for captain bunghole? with pleasure. lattes! you guys are goingto love these. laura: wait a minute! stay right there. everyone taste your coffee.
this one has a historyof skim mix ups. all right. you're dismissed. i told you thesethings were the bomb. we need to focus. i'm bored. well, i knew that they wererestless and uninspired. so i thought to myself, whatcan i do to get them out of here yet keep the creativewheels in motion?
and then it came to me. take the gang to coneyisland to see the freak show. they went to coney island. well, are they coming back? i don't know. they took the ass lickerwith them, though. what, ken? so what should we do now? i've got an idea.
i bought some rolling papersat the bodega on my way back from the drugstore. we had so much fun. not only did wehave the opportunity to do loads of research, butwe also had a chance to come together again as a group. you put laxativein their lattes? damn right i did! laxa-lattes.
that's the most brilliantthing i think i've ever heard. you're a genius! i want them toshit, shit, and shit until their littlepink assholes are raw. what the fuck! so were you guys inspired? yeah. we saw a lot of things. just not feelingthat great right now.
can we just not talk about this? that's a good idea. i guess we'll have a lot oftime to talk about it tomorrow. "handicaps," concept. what, so-- so the show'sabout handicap people? i think what they're tryingto do is to create a show that exploits handicappedpeople, giving the audience a voyeuristic thrill, showingevery intricate detail of their daily lives.
but then they make the audiencefeel less guilty by giving the handicaps some kindof prize that makes their life better at the end. what, likemotorized wheelchairs or-- or seeing-eye dogs? exactly. what, and they'd all livein a house together with, with cameras tapingtheir every move? we could attach a tinycamcorder to the tops of all
the wheelchairs to showthe contestants interacting with each otherwithout cameramen following them around to makethem feel self-conscious. i know. we can call it "handicam." "handicam." i'm really feeling like shit. there's a rest stopup ahead pretty soon. how about the competition?
it could be likea variety show. every handicap wouldhave a different talent, and they would competeagainst each other in a biweekly competition. and then you could havethe audience call in and vote for theirfavorite handicap. after the celebrity judgescast their ever so degrading and leading opinions, of course. that's another thing, josh.
i mean, can youimagine how degrading it's going to be to see--to see actual handicaps getting torn down by judges? they've done itfor everybody else. it's about time theydid it with handicaps. i'm really sick. [farting] warren: stop the car! stop the car!
stop the fucking car! [brakes screeching] looks like we gotourselves a show. it's legendary. we make a pretty good team. it's almost 6:00. we should probably get outof here before they get back. do you want to, uh, gograb a beer or something? warren: we contactedthe board of health,
and they're currentlyinvestigating the hot dog vendor on coney island. very disturbing tothink that people could sell hot dogs like this. when we returned tothe office space, we were shocked atwhat we discovered. confidential materials hadbeen examined and altered. we also founddiscarded beer bottles, and worse yet, tracesof illegal substances.
we knew that we had themon possession and vandalism. so we went down to surveillanceand played back the footage. you all know why you'vebeen called in here today. actually-- did i say you could talk? two days ago, someone brokeinto the conference room while myself andthe other producers were out on a field trip. the room was vandalized, andinformation was tampered with.
david, i was with you guys. if i have to ask youto zip it one more time, you are gonna regretyou were ever born. do you understand, bitch? yes sir. now to make mattersworse, there was use of illegal substances involved. first of all, howcould anyone break in? the doors aren't even locked.
i got you on tape, bitch! natalie: look david, i'm sorry. we were high. we went into theconference room, but it was my fault.well, i'm glad one of you has come to their senses. but the fact remains, awrong has been committed, and now it's timeto pay the piper. your pay is suspendedfor the next two weeks.
all of you. now empty your bags. i want to confiscate anyother illegal substances you might be harboring. bullshit. that violates like everylabor law in the book. i got reasonablecause, shithead. i could have two copsdown here in five minutes to haul your crunchygranola lard-ass downtown.
and you know what happens towoodworkers in the federal pen. come on. now tonight, when you go hometo your holes in williamsburg, i want you to remember howlucky you are not to be spending the night in jail. now get back to work! energy! richie: 'sup, wendy? i need these, uh, typedup by the end of the day.
warren: i hate tobe a downer here, but i feel like it'smissing something. like what? warren: right here it justsays, "they live in a house." but what kind of a house? i thought we'd rent a placeout in burbank or something. pimp it out, you know? warren: no no no no no. fuck california, richie.
there are no realfreaks in california. don't you guysremember coney island? david: all i canremember is the man with hair all over his body. that's good. fur is good! how about, uh-- howabout the curtains that people were hidden by? it was-- it was, like, spooky.
you didn't know who wasbehind what curtain, or if they were in a pen. and they would comeout like some kind of-- some kind of an animal. the house is a house offreaks, like something out of "the elephant man." a beautiful, honest to god,freaky victorian mansion. richie, get a pen. i'm weaving something.
i see spiral staircases. i see draperies, birdsfrom faraway lands. we could have animals in cages. taxidermy. we could have a taxidermy sloth! a house that is trulyworthy of handicaps. i present to youright now-- handiland! fucking brilliant. brilliant.
this-- this completes it. this completes it. check it. i don't-- i don'twant to be, you know, that guy, but, uh, this wouldcost a lot of fucking money. richie, you got $10million to work with. it's not like we'respending it on the pas. [laughter] you're right.
we'll figure it out.that's good. that's a good one. richie gave me theproposal yesterday, and i've had achance to review it. i think it's marvelous. in fact, it's the best one ofthese things i've ever read. thank you rita. now, the one thing i didhave some reservations about was the house.
$2 million seemed a bit steep. but after talking with richieand discussing your reasoning for it, i've approved it. so i won't waste anymore of your time. we'll sign these contracts,and you can get back to work. yes! now begins probablymy most favorite part of the process, the casting. this is the timewhere i cast the faces
that will make the warrenpiece dream a reality. well basically, we putout an ad in backside and varieties, newspapers, andwe hit other online resources not necessarily targeted atactors because, well let's face it, there isn'treally a huge market for hideously deformed or maimedpeople in the movie business. well the ad reads,"if you're a handicap in any way, shape, orform, and have talent, then this is the show for you.
please send headshotsand resumes to--" et cetera, et cetera. it's kind of broad, but wethought, the more the merrier! it's not like you're going tohave some blind person checking out the castings onlineor some retard looking at the trade papersover a cappuccino at his favorite local coffeehouse. well the thing was we didn'tget as many submissions as we were hoping for.
we got a lot of pictures offat people for some reason, but we didn't get anyretards or mongoloids, and that's really disappointing. with modern medicalscience, there just aren't as manypeople with deformities as there used to be. if you ask me,they're going to have a really hard timegetting the kind of people they want for this thing.
throwing some profoundlyderanged people into the mix is a good idea. funny crazy is good. dangerous crazy scares me. don't be scared. there is nothingto be scared of. let's focus on hdp--happy deformed people. the american publicloves that stuff. i mean, they really eat it up.
we don't have any submissionsfrom these happy deformed people you speak of. but we don't wantsome sociopath running around the house killing peoplewhile they're sleeping, do we? laura: well of course not. but there are contracts thatthey could sign that would release us from all-- no. we can never have that.
look, we can have handicaps. we can make fun of them. we can expose them todangerous living conditions. we can dress themup in clown suits. but we cannot kill them. the network just won't allow it. what if the schizophrenicskill themselves? here's an interesting one. all it said on his resumeis that he's an alcoholic.
interesting. let me see. do alcoholics count? well from the looks ofhis handwritten resume, i think it's safe toassume there's something more wrong with him than that. randy: i'm a singer/actor. since my parents recentlyunfortunately passed away, i had to move intothis very place
right here rightnow with my brother. and right now, i've gotto be honest with you, i'm used to betterconditions than this by far, and this isunlivable conditions. and right now, it is reallya place of [inaudible]. my brother, his name is sandy,and for most of the time, he just stays in his bed. he used to be a normal guy,but, uh, things have changed. fuck yourself!
you're trying tokill me, you crazy-- well, i'm feeding him bagels,i'm feeding him bananas, and he don't like those foods. so i'm only givinghim the cat food. i want to get into showbusiness really soon because i hear thatin the show business, you can make quickmoney, and easy money. i told him, you have no future. you're a non-entity.
he couldn't get arrestedin new york city. so i did some work in thefilm business as an extra. it didn't work out,because what happened was i want on a datewith this girl here, and, uh, she hadlegs, by the way, that were shiny like a hot dog. but i couldn'tafford the buffet. he couldn't sing for shit! so the other day,i was sitting here,
and i was readingthis casting paper, and i see this audition fora show called "handicaps." though i don't havea physical handicap, i do have a problemdrinking a lot. i told him, unlessyou want to play a retard for the rest of yourlife, dye fucking hair blonde! so i placed my resume andthis headshot in an envelope, and right now, i just hopethat they just call me. can i have my jell-o now?
oh, here's a looker. 6 foot 5 inches,muscular, delicious. wrong show. but it says here he'sparanoid schizophrenic with multiple personalities. let me take a look at that. he's too tall for me. and besides, he'sprobably bullshitting about his handicap.
well, there's some mandatoryiq and psych evaluations, so we should be able todistinguish the real nuts from the fake ones. we're bringing him in. end of discussion. my name is bob, and ihave been in the acting business for about seven years. i am a bartender at night, andi work as a personal fitness trainer during the day.
three years ago imoved to los angeles because several of my friendstold me there was a lot of work out there. i was doing prettygood out there, yeah. i actually did extra work inover 50 tv shows and movies. i was his manager, and itold the stupid schmuck, don't sell your ass downthe river for a couple of hundred dollars. my agent came up to meand he said, listen, bob,
there's nothing we cando for you anymore. you've become a recognizableextra in the hollywood game. he took every fuckingcrumb they threw at him. and look at him. he played himself out. so i got myself a newagent, and that is when i landed my first big role. i played girandu the giraffe onthe international hit tv series "telegrubbies."
that was me. this is my costume. and, uh, i don't want totake the whole thing out because it's, it'sactually huge. bob is so committedto his craft. he's a true method actor. i mean, when he throwshimself into a role, it just takes overhis whole life. it's almost frightening.
so one day, i was lookingat the online castings, and i come across thisad for a reality tv show looking for talented handicaps. so i got to thinking-- bob is so talented, and he justtakes on every role he plays, that i said, why don't youpretend to be handicapped? i wanted to get intothe place of a physically handicapped person. what if i were crippledfrom the waist down
and i fell out of a wheelchair? or what if i had ms? but cindy and i decidedthat that really didn't make muchsense because i'm in such awesomephysical condition. so i said, why don't yoube a mentally handicap? it was perfect. i mean, i could show mywhole range of abilities as an actor using themultiple personalities thing.
i could play this,like, really nice, you know, sweet guy, andthen all of a sudden, i could be this,like, crazy mad man, you know, who's, like, justabout ready to kill someone, you know? given his experience andhis look, i know he'll do it. i love this one. dye your fucking hair blondeand cap your fucking teeth! and maybe get someblue contact lenses.
i think i found one. who is it? killer p. he's a rapartist from boston, he's got cerebral palsy, and hisraps are about being handicap. excellent. we need at least one black. killer p: well, icame down cause me and my man, we bedoing music and shit. we tryin' to, you know,get our hustle on.
so i came down, do a couplesongs with him, you know, and put together thisnew cd we pushing. i was surfing thenet that said-- i saw this thing on disabilityinternational website, but it's an auditionabout this reality show. i was like, you know, fuck it. we smoke a couple ls, we rollour asses down there popping and see what pop on. and while we there,we murdered a mother
fucker, leave them guessing andshit, walk off with the riches. i got plans, b. well, is the show exploitative? what in america isn't,you know what i mean? let's be fucking real about it. well i say, ok,i'm gonna do what i gotta do to get what i want. so if they think i'mgonna come in and drool, i'll come in and go, eh, eh, eh.
yeah, yeah. i got some shill to[inaudible] my porno site for people with disabilitiescalled cripsandtits.com. we got scooter sex. we got electric wheelchair sex. we got a sectioncalled prosthetic sex. that's, you know, that's whereyou can take the leg or the arm off. paralyzed pussy section.
that's where, you know,[inaudible] section where the people break they neck. you know, people don't thinkthey'd be freaks and shit. yo, them-- cause they canbend all kinda ways and shit. i heard some storiesabout how hard these mother fucking judges is. they ain't gonnagive me no problems. and if they so happento get a little cocky, though, let's say a littleuppity in they draws,
smack the fuck outthem bitches, yo. so after threedays of sifting, we decided it was best to bringeveryone into the open call, as we have no way ofknowing who's a fake and who's a freak withoutactually seeing them. i have to say, goodhandicaps are hard to find. we wanted to keepthe auditions low key. we wanted to picka place that was nice so that our auditionerscould feel comfortable.
but we also wanted a placethat was under the radar screen so we didn't attracttoo much attention. we needed to find anout of the way place, so we booked a cheaphotel in chinatown. it was perfect, and probablynicer than most of these people have ever seen. besides, who thehell else is going to allow 50 or 60 handicaps tohang around in their lounge? it's bad for business.
nice digs, huh? yeah, this placeis a real shit hole. must have blown all theirdough on the house of freaks. for those of youwho've just come in, i need you to signthis clipboard. then i need you to pick upone of these release forms. read and sign each sheet. if you need a braille versioni have one upon request. then i need you to goto your respective areas
of the waiting room. if you are in a wheelchair,please roll over there. if you are mental, wait overhere for your psych exam. and if you're deformed,just go over there. if you have any questionsabout what you are, please come to me. you're retarded! it's tough dealingwith these people, because a greatdeal of them don't
even know what i'm saying. i was yelling at thisone guy for 10 minutes before i realized he was deaf. i try to be as patient aspossible with these people, but it's tough sometimes. oh, i'm total anxiousright now to get things rolling because i wantto show everybody what i can do. don't hold me back anymore. you've gotta-- yougotta [inaudible] role.
get the thing started now. please. i-- i don't wantto wait anymore. my name is sam vachi vagina! my real passion is dancing. hi. my name is annie. i'm really excitedto be here today. i feel really, really good.
we drove 35 hours. i did a lot of research,and typically schizophrenics, they don't shave. most of them wear glasses,and they just walk around with kinda like adisheveled, like something's not right about them look,which i totally have, you know? i don't never wearmy hair like this. i ain't got time to be waitingaround for this bullshit. and if they don'thurry the fuck up,
shit gonna pop offup in this bitch. but the thing is that iwas so confident that i gave some people rides onmy wheelchair for money, and it was great.male speaker: holy shit! that's warren piece out there. [crowd oohs and ahs] -ooh, warren!-no. -wait!-no wait! wait!
come on! sunday: come back! uh, all right. if we could just get rolling. ok, sir? if you could just be seated,we could get started. (singing) everybody-- excuse me mister,please sit down. now, in my hands are two tests.
one is an iq test. the other is a psych. sam: suck my fuckingass and balls. as i was saying, theother is a psych. shut the fuck up you smallpenis fatass shitface twat! as i was saying-- sam: cunt! i'm just going topass these out now. you know, it's really tough withthose tourette syndrome guys.
i just-- i really wantedto punch that guy out, but then i was justlike, josh, chill. male speaker: oh my god! [interposing voices] you're having a seizure. you're having a se-- oh! help me! hey, quit yourhorsing around here. get these two guysthe hell out of here.
so listen up everybody. i know you're tired. i know you've been here a while. i know it's suppertime andyou've probably hungry. but in this business,you've got to be hungry. and if you're not, thedoor's right there, and you might as well take it. cause if you'relooking for sympathy, you're not goingto find it here.
we know you're blind,crippled, paralyzed, deformed, and you know what? it doesn't mean adamn thing at all. to us, you're all the same. in fact, if you ask me,you're pretty lucky. you're pretty lucky to beliving in a country where you're treated equally, whether youlive in a mansion in beverly hills or you're down in thegutter with nothing to eat and a stub for your arm.
in some countries, you wouldn'teven be allowed to audition for shows like this. you might not beallowed to own a tv, or buy stuff to make you happy. so when you walkinto that room today, i want you all toremember you are blessed, and you don't haveit bad at all! trust me. i got two kids i'm trying toput through medical school,
so you've got nothing on me! so let's do it! by the way, if you'rehungry, there's a vending machine at the end of the hall. you've all been given anumber, so when i call it, please come up here and i willlead you into the audition. please have your music, yourheadshots, whatever you need ready on hand for the audition. and relax.
don't be nervous. you know, this isjust your one shot to do something with yourlife, but it's no big deal. no big deal. just one shot. i knew there were going tobe some bad energies floating around, but i was in noway, shape, or form prepared for what i saw that day. (singing) who'sthat little yellow
square smiling back over there? well, thank you guys. i'm usually really goodat taking criticism but they weren't nice atall, and i really thought that this was my chance. where's my helmet? well, i used to do a soft shoe. i used to dance. and i have this sciaticaso i don't dance anymore.
(singing) mary had a littlelamb, little lamb, little lamb. [singing] (singing) you can see herin the local bars, and you have to thank your lucky stars. the overall look ofthe crowd was ghastly. and for the mostpart, their looks matched their performances. uh, my name's bob bennett. assonance.
i like that. and what is your handicap? uh, paranoidschizophrenic, mr. piece. bob, you can call me warren. fucking, what areyou fucking doing? what was that? i will call you whateveri want, you stupid bitch. oh my. this is the, uh,schizophrenic part.
who's there? who is-- i know someoneis following me. what are you looking at? and this is theparanoid part, ok? bob, honey, before youcontinue with this routine-- wait, wait. maybe we could justgive him a chance. let him do his thing. we're on deadline, horny boy.
first off, i don't care howmany personalities you have. none of them are workingfor me right now. second, you're notconvincing enough to act your way out of a paper bag. and third, yourhair's too puffy. goodbye. somebody get him out of here! wait. bob?
could you possiblytake off your shirt? will it get me on the show? maybe. overall, i thinki did pretty good. i might have lost a littlebit with the baby thing, but i think i madea really strong impression, which iswhat matters the most in these kind of things. i think i'm gonna letyou handle this one, g.
killer p., i would assume? and this-- this is my man, joe. 'sup dog? don't call me fucking dog, yo. i like his attitude. nigga please! you should be gladi let you up here. whoa whoa whoa.
listen you ass clown, youdone had us [inaudible] for fucking six hours. get to the gettingall fucking ready. well, can you rap? can i rap? the fuck i look like i'mhere to do, tap dance? rap for us. i'm gonna kill eachone of y'all one by one, with this little clickclack from joe's gun.
first go you, thengo you, and them last two shells for your asses, too. that's it. that's all thefuck y'all getting. those rhymes were pretty solid. shit was pretty tight. the rap was fine. you look a littlebit like tupac. but your speech israther affected.
the only thing yougot going for you is your attitude at this point. richie: and by any chance,were you injured as a result of gang related violence? i got cp, bitch. are you sure about that? you might want toreconsider your answer. the only thing i'mgonna reconsider is whooping your assup in this piece.
quite frankly, everybody, idon't think he's street enough. i don't think i heard whatthe fuck you just said. i said, i don't thinkyou're street enough. again, i don't think i justheard what the fuck you said. oh, you bet your sweetbooty that's what i said. i said, you'renot street enough. i said, you're like vanilla ice. i said, you're a big fronter! i said, i thinkyou're a big fronter!
front front front front! [yelling] richie: i love"the color purple!" killer is a unique individual. he hit me here, buthe touched me here. you were attacked bya gun-toting paraplegic and thrown out of thesleaziest hotel in chinatown? he could walk. rita, i really don't seewhat the big deal is here.
rita: don't see the big deal? you held an opencall for 60 retards with absolutely no security,and you almost got murdered! he was only pistol whipped. we could've had a multi-milliondollar lawsuit on our hands. and now, you'reconsidering bringing the cretin in for a callback? he has the kind of charismathat we need for the show. i'm going to pretendi didn't hear that.
let me tell you something. here at cnt, we believein giving second chances. but i will not be left holdingthe bag for another "dead on wednesday." "dead on wednesday"was brilliant. readings were great! until the bottom dropped out. rita: yes. you tell a perfectly healthyman that he's terminally ill
and he'll be dead onwednesday, then chronicle his every move until that day, whenyou tell him it was all a joke. that premise will beburned on my brain forever. it was genius. until the fucker died,warren, of a heart attack from the stresson fucking monday. we were five episodes short! we had to run sevenhours of funeral footage. the open casket didn't holdthe viewers' interest for more
than two of those episodes. what do you want from me? piece, don't fuck up again. because if you do,your ass is mine. now get back to work. well, the producersnarrowed it down to about 14 people, which wasn'thard to do because most of them were fakes. you ask people to travelall the way to new york
to be cut down and humiliated onnational television for no pay, and you don't even havea fucking bagel tray in the lobby, andthen you wonder why you don't have a good turnout? well, um, we had toscore the psych and iq exams for all the candidates. and i mean, thepsych exams, there are like 600 questions on them. i actually took oneof the iq tests myself.
i'm a genius. ken: come on, laxo. let's get this show on the road! i just needed to get out,to hang out with fun people, and to get out fromunderneath those disgusting fluorescent lights. and then there was thisman who caught my eye. his gaze was just fixedon me, penetrating me. that guy is totallychecking you out.
female speaker: he is. you should go overand talk to him. i gave him a slightsmile, and he smiled back. and i knew that hiswere the eyes of hunger. raw hunger. ms. wilcox, these arecompliments of the gentleman over in the corner. female speaker: see? thank him.
go over there and thank him. go. fine. he was amazing. an italian designer, hencethe bodyguard and the girls. i feel like i've knowyou for such a long time, though we've only just met. laura: with the mindof a greek philosopher, and the face of a roman god.
i was overtaken with this energythat i hadn't felt in years. i just wanted to danceand to hold him, so-- male speaker: i'm a bad dancer. laura: --i just pulledhim up off the couch. and when he fell to theground like a ton of bricks, i thought he was drunk. but when his bodyguardpushed me away, i knew there wassomething wrong. he struggled to get hisbody back up onto the couch.
i'm sorry, laura. i should have told you. but we were having sucha good time together. you didn't know, andi just wanted to know what that felt like again. it was a skiing accidentin the french alps. but it doesn't matter. i just couldn't helpbut cry-- because i knew we were so much alike.
i'm trying to do asmuch positive energy work as i can right now. [high-pitched sounds] i have a smudge stick heremade from sage and lavender, and the nice scent helpschase away unfresh spirits. bless the element ofair, the power of mind. bless the element of water,the power of emotion. bless mother earth. please send me the mostpositive light and energy
in the universe soi can produce yet another hit reality tv show. amen. i just hope that this works. i mean, as we saw at the opencall, people with disabilities have really negativeenergy, and i just hope that they don't bring me down. ken, get me some babyfood, double quick! you ready to castsome handi-talent?
i am, and have beenfor the past two hours. i had a minor incidentwith my smudge stick. where's laura? you mean she's not with you? oh, for fuck's sake. oh shit! laura is now over an hour late. i just hope shehasn't been overtaken by an evil spirit force.
[coughing] will you put that shit out? you're going to set offthe fire alarm again, dude. fuck you, dude. i'm trying to, like,cleanse this room of all the negative spiritenergies inside of it, and you are not helping. laura? although i couldn'tfeel anything,
i know your shit was tight. everybody's ready. we can't make themwait forever, you know. we have to wait for laura. she's our casting director. warren, we don't even knowif she's going to show. i know she'll show! warren, be sensible. we have to get theshow on the road.
start sending them in. wait a minute. who's in charge here? whose show is this? this is my show, dog. it won't be for long if you andthe rest of your fairy patrol don't get your shit together! what? ken, send in the clowns.
he just looks-- short. i'm a fucking dwarf, shithead. how dare you! listen mister, you needan attitude adjustment. just because dwarfsare all hot today does not mean they'regoing to be hot tomorrow. really. your attitude sucks. but you look likejack nicholson.
listen joe, i would really,really love to work with you, but you must startthinking taller. if you think it, you can be it. listen to me withthose little ears. i am a professionallytrained dancer. but when i first got to class,i literally looked like this. i was like your height then. and then, my instructor,joshua delasante, he taught me to breathethrough my vagina.
he taught me how to walk. watch and learn. now you try it. that's better.now try this. arms in opposition! think tommy tune, ok? you wanna be on tv? you gotta grab the pencil. you want to ride theroller coaster of success?
you gotta be this tall! stretch! stretch it! my name is joe. i'm a dancer. and i want to be on your show. oh my god. this is disgusting. laura, what hasgotten into you?
are you purposely tryingto destroy the culmination of all of our hard work? you've become atraveling minstrel show. we weren't always like this. we once believed that you hadto treat people with respect. it all starts with slamminga door in someone's face or cursing an old man becausehe's walking too slow. and then the nextthing you know, you're taking a luxuryvacation to greece off
the money you madeexploiting some paraplegic. so what you're trying to sayis you fucked a paraplegic? yes i did. i have never in my lifeseen such blatant disrespect and disregard for otherpeople's time and money. i am truly at theend of my rope here. honey, we've all fuckedpeople in wheelchairs before. have you? well no.
being with charles has made merealize, i want to be decent. decent. you have an obligation to me. decent means fulfillingthat obligation to me. decent means not letting medown over a one-night stand. and yes, decent, inthis case, laura, means getting out thereand casting this show. because this is my last chance. well, i guess decent iswhat you can live with.
well, i'm glad someonedecided to come on back. we're making really good time. two hours, one audition. shut up richie. you shut up. you can talk toughnow, big man, but spellman's not gonna like this. if we don't nail this,remember, it's not going to be my ass on the line.
can it, fuckers. we've got a realitytv show to cast. warren: even thoughlaura's back on our side, we're still in a veryprecarious situation. we've got exactly four hoursto finish these auditions. and after laura'slittle outburst, well, under our contract,it's possible that we could be removed from this project. needless to say, it's time tokick this puppy into overdrive.
i'm gonna play this music,and i'm gonna dance for you. randy, we don't havea cassette player. so it looks likeyou're going to have to dance this one acapella. you're going to haveto dance without music. i'm a professional dancer. i need the music in thebackground for me to dance. dance! [drum noises]
(singing) me so horny. ah, ah me so horny. um, my name's corky. and i'm retarded. i'm one of those what youwould call a little person. you don't look short to me. i appreciate that. that's not a compliment. i have a tendency tosay things that offend
people without my control. so does laura. i need to hear clicks. click click click clickclick click click click! click click clickclick click mother fucking goddamn cock sucking! that's really inappropriate. leave the kicksto the rockettes. you can't dance.
and i'm disappointed. you finger licking pussy. you're not a midget. but you sure areshort on talent. are you sureyou're not retarded? jonathan t. santiago, actor. send in the next one. and you are? big d.
big d., what isyour disability? i'm visually impaired. if you're blind,where's your cane? where's your dog? uh, some peopleprefer the cane, some people preferto use a dog, but i just prefer to use my glasses. listen big d., i would preferthat you didn't lie to me. remove the glasses now!
did you ever get in likea-- like a knife fight? you ever kill anyone? cut a man down, maybe? ok.he's blind. he's blind.yeah. he is. sure is. this is jon. he's an actor.
and he'll be doingthe scene with me. what are you doing? bro, what scene are you doing? comprende ingles? there is no roomfor mealy mouth bullshit in this business. do you understand me? speak up, son! he can't hear you.
he's deaf. well he doesn't look deaf. i love you. but i can't stay! i must leave you nowforever, maurice. cut! cut. what was that supposed to be? not good.
and natalie, nexttime do it better. you're not deaf. but no! i can never feelright again holding you and making love to you. i must go! it looks like you're tryingto kill her or something. this is a love scene! that's ghetto love.
although i may never feel thewarmth of your body pressed against mine, and i willlong for the pleasures of your flesh, imust leave you now! [moaning] hot, sexy, and steamy. that's what daddy likes. ok everybody. we've seen them all! i'm pretty sure thesmudge stick worked.
it just took a really long timeto get some of the lingering spirits out of here. we've got two midgets, soit's an easy elimination. correction, we have onedwarf and one midget. whatever. they're both the same. but personally, i think thedwarf is more interesting. but the midget's so cute,and he can dance like a mo-fo. anybody in a wheelchair's in.
so sunday's on theshow, and we could put killer p. in a wheelchair. well, big d.'s blindand john ficatta's deaf, so why don't they have a gaylove affair in episode three? it would never sell. but they could be "roommates." we need heat on this show. bob has no talent, he'slying, and his hair sucks. but he's got a killer body.
we've got to keep thehousewives interested. warren's got a point. besides, there's nothingwrong with randy other than his alcoholism. oh, there is somethingvery, very wrong with randy-- in a funny, quirky way. i don't think so. i have the psych evaland iq test results. so let's take a look.
bob bennett is not aparanoid schizophrenic. uh! richie: his iq testindicates, however, that he is borderline retarded. well there's a start. randy has a very high iq. hm. i told you so. but his psych evalindicates that he
is a paranoid schizophrenic. we've already got a retard. we need a schizo. you can have him on theshow, but he gets eliminated in the first episode. hi, mr. p? killer p.? this is ken from cnt. i just wanted tocall and let you know
that you're going tobe on "handicaps," warren piece's "handicaps." isn't that exciting? hi randy. hi sunday. my name's natalie. i'm calling from cnt. by the way, you're socute in your wheelchair. cnt.
i can't understand you. we'll-- we'll--we'll just call you at the end of the week then.ok. ok.bye. i just had a-- a fewquestions i wanted to ask you before we called you in. so you're 6' 5", huh? how about-- how aboutyour, um, your shoe size? good news, everybody.
the house is done! wow! so fast? well, we had it shippedin pieces from china. it only cost an extra milliondollars for express delivery! ta-da! that's nice. it's my masterpiece. cool design.
but is it osha compliant? osha what? pa, you're spoiling a moment! occupational safety andhealth administration. in other words, doesit have handicapped entrances and bathrooms? looks like you coulduse a good woodworker. we'll just use pas to carrythe cripples up the steps. well, it looks like somebodyslinked in here to give you
the good news-- orto spin doctor it, so he can weasel out ofit the way he always does. well, there's noweaseling out of this one. there's no weaselingout of $300,000 of expenses and a house thatcost $2 million to build. this is so whack, and i knew itwas a bad idea from the start. i told you, he isasleep at the switch! every one of thosemagnificent spiral staircases are going to cost $20,000to replace, all 15 of them.
and the bathrooms? they have fuckinghandlebars on the toilets! the whole fucking place hasto be torn apart and gutted. handicap ramps. the place is onfucking stilts, rita. we have to put ina fucking elevator. i mean, an elevator! look, i have reviewedeverything ad nauseum. and if you lookyourself, you will
see that there is absolutely noway to weasel out of this one. now, i've prepared somedocuments for you-- every breach of contract thati observed in this project for you to review. i am ready to stepin and take over the project, ready to salvageit, and happy to do so. i have some ideas. a freestyle competition. um, a blind comedy jam.
mix things up a bit. we could also do a deafcomedy jam with sign language. rita: shut up! but rita, i'm not-- whose office is this? who runs this company? how dare you walk in hereand start barking out orders! i wasn't barking out orders. i was simply tryingto save the project.
well let me ask you this. how long have you been here? oh, i don't see whatthat has to do with-- i said, how long haveyou been with cnt? six months. and how much moneyhave you made cnt? i think my performance speaks-- how many fuckinghit shows, my nigga? none.
$300,000? that's chump change. have you taken a lookat your expenses lately? a night out on thetown with nelly? a round of drinks forjay z and his crew? warren and i havebeen discussing your performancelately, and frankly, we're a bit disappointed. you're off the project.
from here on in, i will betaking a special interest in this project,and i'll be working very closely with warren. see, warren is gifted. he's an artist, andmust be treated as such. and from here on in, he will be. i guess i'll seeyou around the way. snap! ok everyone.
hello. welcome. congratulations. so we're going to dothe photoshoot now. i'm going to takeyou up one at a time, and then we're going todo a big group photo. so smile, be as prettyas you can, and, uh, you, remember to behave yourself, ok? great.
lick my nipples,you cum-stained chud! listen, i want you to makehim look like tupac, comprende? i'll try. i don't pay you$5,000 a shoot to try. do you understand, ansel? this is what it'sall about for me. to see the happy, smileyfaces, well, it-- it almost brought tears to my eyes. i've been doing a lot ofintensive sessions with warren.
i think he's startingto understand what it is i really need from him. overall, i'd say i'm verypleased with his performance. things are going verywell between charles and i. i'm just looking atthe world differently. i pay you $5,000 a dayso that you can make me look like a fucking fat horse? stand up! i mean, sit up straight!
it's been good, agood adrenaline rush. it makes me want to getback to the firing range and hone my skills a little. in this business, younever know what to expect. we decided to come up with ourown concept of a reality show. "terminal house." eight contestants,all terminally ill, live together in the same houseand compete against each other for $1 million.
also, i had sex with nataliein the conference room. so that was cool. you can't alwayshave what you want, especially if what youwant is unobtainable. so i've loweredthe bar just a bit, and i've set morerealistic goals. i mean, i can't waitto move into handiland so i can start towork on the show with a fresh point of view.
and at the end ofthe day, this is what i live for--bringing people together, i mean, whether it'sright here in this room or in front of tvs inhomes across the nation. so whoever saysreality tv is dead should die becauseit's here to stay! and i'm here to stay! cap your teeth,you fucking retard!
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